Tuesday, April 3, 2007

saving my parents by all means necessary

I feel overwhelmed by jesus sometimes. I have trouble knowing what the feeling is. Sometimes love, it reminds me of what it feels like to have my mother give me advice... sometimes a tremble deep in the heart. Sometimes fear and dread. Many times its worry.

Im not always sure if the feeling is comming from jesus. For example sometimes I say the word jesus and I feel sick. BUt sometimes I feel the want to talk to god and if I make that my intention then the feeling is better. I have a feeling I consider the "Being honest with myself feeling" (or intention)

In order to be honestwith myself I have to accept jesus

I also hear voices. So the voices help me interpret the feelings.

I’m not really sure what’s going on with the voices I hear. I think I have thought complexes inside of me that believe in Christianity and are trying to warn me or save me. Or maybe my mind is trying to save itself or me. Maybe these are the strongest imprints all my exposure to christianity has made on my mind. maybe these are the kind of demons a free thinker gets.

Negative voices (are sad and dark and many times downright mean or angry):

Yes, there’s fire underneath. Its that bad, its that bad.

You know the truth, Only Jesus can save you. There’s nothing you can do. Nothing. You deserve it.

Why are you denying god. He’s trying to help you. You know its true. Nothing can save you.

Your parents are heading for hell. You are damned and you know it. We are trying to help you.

Eternal darkness. Fire! Fire! Torment. Etenral torment. You are EVIL. All are evil.

In the end, you will burn.

The fire wont be put out. Good luck in hell.

You can feel jesus. You know hes real. Theres nothing you can do. you caught the spirit. you will burn, foreal.

Positive voices (Assuming I have nothing to fear from any gods or devils)… these voices are friendlier and urgent:

This cant be right. Keep the faith. THINK! Keep going. Keep pushing.

Help the world, see through it. You are ok, it’s a lie. See through it, I can help you, keep thinking. You’re fine. The world needs help. Your out of your mind. Your out of it.

You committed no blasphemy, you just questioned.

trust us

theres no burning, thats evil. cant you see? thats evil. "truth"

is jesus real? its all bull****, dont you see. there are famines in the world right now. think of what we could do. snap out of it. you dont need them. escape.

dont trust your heart, you are brainwashed. its obvious


So its hard for me to interpret my feelings. Many times I think my feelings are being falsely represented.

Most of the time I am sad and lonely, ashamed or terrified I feel really really really weird about god.

Im not really motivated to succeed in life, Im kind of pathetic and helpless in that regard. I always have been but Ill get to that in another post. ITs important if you are a psychologist to know the backstory, and I kind of get a picture of whats going on from a psychological standpoint.... They say Im supposed to focus on life and growing up since I was always a failure (or more importantly I viewed myself as a failure and constantly reinforced the self view by taking easy ways out or making terrible mistakes) and with enough radical changes maybe things can be reversed...

biologically/psychologically... why are there people like me? well Im a weak specimen that hasnt adapted right to my society. Instead of being defective in aphysical trait (humans, unlike animals really on their minds most of all) my defections are all in my head. The mind is the trait that adapts to the environment (society) and I have been maladapted so long that I think its a self feeding process of negativity and failure. In ghana I would be shunned by everyone as a failure and thus I would be cursed. In japan I would be so overwhelmed by self loathing and dishonor that I killed myself. In haiti I would be turned into a "zombie" and sold into slavery by an underground policing agency. In some places I would already be dead.. ANd in many places I would be crazy, in jail, on the streets, or a suicide.

sure i can think, but I havnt learned the right lessons to adapt to society and success in it. SO Im going against the biological drive to simply live.... Sometimes animals just give up and die. Many societies are compassionate and try to do somethign for the failures or defuncts, ti goes against nature. ITs why conservatives are so mad at taxes or homeless people. I mean the one thing we HAVE to do by deAULT in this weird world is LIVE. And societies in many cases need members to be self suffiecient, which I am not!

but thats another story

But religion issues are to worrysome for me (I used to worry about such pointless crap lol... but what is it now? haha) And the voices make it hard to concentrate on anything and even if I didnt hear voices I cant keep from thinking and questioning. Il lprobably end up in a looney bin or homeless, Im too afraid of hell to kill myself.

I hear voices telling me Im denying the holy spirit, and that there is a feeling from god telling me its him and that I know the truth. Every time I read about science or about mental disorders or about the weird faulty history of the world (And I know most people dont have a clue about this but if you try and research the way the bible links up with scholarly work and the movement and development and history of the different jews, cananites, hitites and egyptians and other bible people you might think a little) every time (Well many times) that I reason about the absurdity of belief or about the weridness of the immense fear that ideas like god have the potential to create I will hear vocies telling me "is it worth it?" or "you will see what you get"

right now I should be studying for college but the voices distract me from reading, and If I focus enough a thought about god will distract me. Or I might think that god is talking to me in my heart. (this is what just happened I asked jesus to come into my heart and I told him I didnt want to deny him) I had gotten off the phone with my mom and I felt loved and then I started thinking to myself if that was the feeling I associated with getting from god (and Im never sure when the feeling from god is legitamite or not, well actually I am, the voices inform me that I KNOW when the feeling is from god, and that Im denying him and lying to myself and that I nkow that jesus is real, and in the course of self examination I have realized that I do know when its from god) Right now Im trying to get god into my heart so Ican examine the feeling but the feeling wont come, I feel like Im in trouble and a voice is telling me "dont test god"

Basicially something out there doesnt want me to even be writing this. The vocie tells me that the devil has me and that I know Im evil, Im truly evil and I need to save my parents.

the voice tells me "you have no future without jesus"

Right now Im trying to pray to get the feeling but Im not sure when its an honest prayer. I have to make myself know that "something" (I havnt figured out exactly what it is)

I think I have to "know" that jesus is my savior in a certain way that god likes and when I do that he gives me a feeling that I am ok. If you read my other posts you know that I think the idea of knowing and believing is really funny. (me typing this just caused a positive feeling in my heart)

I think biologically my emotions might be screwed. (a voice just told me to pray)


A lot of the voices center around me "knowing the truth" or me "knowing something about something involving the way god works"

Its time I tell you about my confirmation statement. Ill post the whole thing up sometimes, I made it in eighth grade after going through the confirmation statemnt. Sometimes reading statements like these makes me feel good, but many times the voices tell me Im just reading them to test god and I dont really believe.


I beleive in god and I believe jesus is his only son and I know he is real and that I can always ask him for anytihng and he will always answer me.

I beleive Jesus died for me. well here is my confirmation statment. IT contains all the points I was encouraged to include as well as the reason for it (the part I had to think about on my own)

a voice just told me "its not worth it, you know... you are gonna BURN for this"

satan just told me to keep up the good work I should add halfway through writing this next bit...

I believe that there is a God and I believe in Him. I know He exists and have faith in Him because of the great world I live in. I think of the awesomeness and complexity of the universe and all of the things on earth. Its hard to explain it with words but he was the creator because of the warmth of the sun and the huge ocean and the millions of species of plants and animals. I see gods work especially when I sit and watch the world and hear the birds in the trees and the rolling of ocean waves.And also because of the feelings of love, family friends, and dreams.

I believe that Jesus Christ, God's only son, is my lord and savior and that he and God love me. I believe Jesus died for me and in all the miracles that happened when he was on earth including his resurrection. And even though all these things are hard to imagine, I think of the fact that this planet has life on it out of all the trillions of planets, I think thats a miracle. O ther everyday miracles are when people have a terminal illness and they recover. SO I believe all the miracles in the bible.

And I know jesus loves me and I can always ask his forgiveness and he will give it. And I believe in eternal life after death if I live as a christian.

I want to lead a Christian life and attend worship and learn to better understand and interpret the bible and I want to show God's love and try never to hate and go on missions. And I will give my time to be part of the Presbyterian Church and take part in it. And I will have a relationship with god and Jesus now and in the eternal Life after Death.


there are also church hymns that I sang.

two of the most powerful was one that was about moses or any old christian being called by god to fix people. and one about knowing the truth

the first one I cant remember correctly but It had a beautiful power and melody.I the lord of sea and rain, I have heard my peoples pain da da daa da daa da daa, who shall I send?

here I am lord, if you need me. I have heard you calling in the night. I will go lord, If you lead me. I will lead your people to (the light? Im not sure)

I will fix their hearts of stone, give them hearts of love alone who will something sometihng.... who shall I send (and then the above chorus again)

I think the song is called here I am lord. everyone loved that one. Im actually happy after writing those lyrics. ( a few voices are whispering "hes called." "hes called!")

another one that I am reminded of since a internal voice keeps on telling me YOU KNOW THE TRUTH!is this one.

and it goes!

you shall know the truth
you shall know the truth
jesus is the truth and the truth shall set you free
jesus is the truth
you shall know the truth
jesus is the truth and the truth shall set you free!

cant remember the rest of the words.

(voices saying hey hey! hes real! you can save them!)

I feel really good and normal right now, wait the feeling just went away.

what prompted me to write all of this is that I have a terrible life! hey! the world is insane! there is some incredibly terrible crazy terrible shit that happens in it and right now I feel great! Im not sure if its because I feel like praising god or if I jsut proved how I was brainwashed to somethign deep down in my feeling center. Maybe I was just nostalgic about church.

But anyway now the voice is saying "hes a psycho, this is a psychological nightmare!"

now I will go into what really prompted me to write this.

I felt I could maybe save my parents if I got a gun and put it to their heads and made them pray until I was certain they really felt saved, but they would probably be lying to me.

oh man! a voice just remided me of another song. the voice said tell all the world

there was a song that went

"tell all the world" that was a big part of the song.

tell all the world (sing we noel) tell all the world (noel noel)
tell all the world that sometihng something something

oh man that song was amazing. if you have not heard it you need to.
I feel positively wonderful right now!

we had some bad ass christmas programs back in the day.

now that I think about it the best thing for me might be to go back to church and sing in choir. I wish I wouldnt feel so evil when I listen to vodou music.

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